I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
