I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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