I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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