My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
