He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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