Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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