He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Every concussion has its silver lining
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
