she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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