what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
