I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
