did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
