she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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