I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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