I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
