where am i from again
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
