Apparently you make a good broom.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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