she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
