I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
