yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
