Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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