how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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