I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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