All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
