I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
