i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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