She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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