She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
