I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
