none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The Olympian is in my bed
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