Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
