it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
