Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize