I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
