This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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