You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
