I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
