If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
