The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
