My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
