Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
