did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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