Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
