Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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