Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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