I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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