You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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