He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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