Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
