i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My cat gives me a boner
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
