Please, let me fuck your mom
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
