we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
