we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
