I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
