I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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