guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
