dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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