My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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